I had my annual PET scan last week and got the results Monday night. Mostly good news, but “mostly” isn’t a word most cancer warriors like to hear. There were two teeny spots, one on a lung and one in the bone marrow near my hip. My oncologist tried to reassure me, but in those first few hours, of course I could only think the worst.
Thankfully, Dr. Google was on my side this time. Some very, very cautious light Googling showed that many, many people get false positives in their lungs. Like, all the time. I didn’t even attempt the bone marrow one, but it sounded so faint that my oncologist wasn’t even worried about it.
I’m feeling much, much better about it all, although of course there is still that small niggling doubt in the back of my mind saying “What if…” I decided that I’m going to take that little voice and turn it into a force for good.
The year after Emmie was born, I lived more or less in a state of mindfulness. I was able to keep the perspective that I gained by facing cancer down and never took the days for granted. I lived one day at a time and tried to be as present as possible.
However, “real life” eventually creeps in. Deadlines have to be met, minutia attended to. Things that distract from the bigger picture of life and love. It becomes easier and easier to take tomorrow for granted, because the last 365 tomorrows came and went without incident (thankfully).
This is not all bad. This summer, we planted a vegetable garden. For the first time, I allowed myself to talk about how we will plant it next year. A year ago, I never assumed I would still be here in a year. Not that I thought anything specific would happen, but once you’ve seen how life change change course in an instant, planning that far ahead seems foolish somehow. So taking tomorrow for granted can be good, when it comes to planning vegetable gardens.
However, I have been lulled into that false sense of security that comes with those assumptions. I keep putting off little things, like making photo albums, or even blogging. I watch a movie with Peter instead of recording the thoughts and memories I want to cherish (I also cherish time with Peter, but I need to be balanced). Too much time surfing on FaceBook, not enough time living.
This was a very good wake-up call to shake off those cobwebs and start LIVING again. We are going for a family hike tomorrow, since we haven’t done one all summer (Emmie is VERY excited and keeps talking about “Go hike? Jasper go hike walking?”). I am blogging (see: this very entry). I am starting to belly dance again next week. I transcribed one of Emmie’s play sessions this morning because I want to remember it forever. I have big sewing plans and I mean to act on them.
I likely will have a follow-up CT scan in a few months to check on the lung thing. If the news from that changes our lives again, I don’t want these next few months to have been wasted on the Internet and Candy Crush (damn you, Candy Crush!).
I’m going to have a great garden, more pictures and videos of Emmie, more writing, and more sewing to show for my time here. What about you?