I think I’m entering a new phase. We went through crisis mode last summer, and had to adjust to post-cancer life with a newborn in the fall. Then we had the constant adjustment of learning how to have a baby and be parents (while also kind of thinking about cancer kind of a lot).
Now I think I’m leaving the phase of having cancer on my mind 24-7 to trying to re-enter the “normal” world I left the moment I got my diagnosis. While I know that recurrence is a statistical possibility, it no longer is on the forefront of my mind with every new ache (it’s still there, but more in the background).
This is both good and bad. It’s nice not to have the fear of cancer haunting my every thought, but I also don’t want to lose that incredible motivation to LIVE. When you are not sure if you will have a tomorrow, today becomes indescribably exquisite. When you take “tomorrow” as a given, it’s so easy to take everything for granted and to put off things until “tomorrow.”
As a lifelong procrastinator (as my mom can tell you, after enduring 10 of the hottest days in Oregon history before I decided to make my appearance), this is very challenging for me. I have so many blog posts I want to write, so many thoughts I want to get down. I have projects I want to make, things I want to sew. I have Important Things I want to say (political, philosophical, etceterical). Things that I’m too scared to say right now because I’m afraid of offending people I like and respect (which is another thing that not knowing if you have a tomorrow strips away).
I think this is part of what that blue period I just went through was. It was a realization that, “Hell, I might actually BE here when the world goes to hell if this all keeps up! And it’s looking like Emmie definitely will be.” And that was just beyond depressing.
So now I have to figure out this new stage. OK, so the world appears to be on a very dangerous trajectory and no one seems to want to change their comfortable lifestyles to do anything about it (or even wants to believe the science showing us what’s happening). Cassandra. So what can I do about it? What can I change? How can I exert some power and control over my daughter’s future?
Puh-retty sure this is a classic existential crisis. Ah well, it was bound to happen sometime!