Many wonderful people have been asking for updates on surgery tomorrow. As I will be blissfully unconscious, this task will fall to my beloved Peter. He is a “co-author” on this blog now, so he will be able to update the site himself. There might not be a lot to say, since the surgery will hopefully be uneventful, although long, so no news is good news, I think.
Tonight, my parents, Peter and I had a wonderful dinner at Arugula, a newish restaurant in town, and now I am finishing packing my hospital bag. I should get to sleep, as we need to check in at 6 AM tomorrow, which means leaving here at 5:30 AM (eek!). Luckily, I at least get to sleep all day tomorrow! Let’s hope Peter and my parents can nap in the waiting room.
I don’t feel nervous, and I don’t feel particularly scared. I am confident the surgeon will do what is necessary, and I am also confident in my body’s ability to heal. I don’t believe our baby will be born tomorrow, although Peter has packed a diaper bag with one diaper and one outfit, just in case (we are also bringing our car seat, though I mostly just want to take advantage of the installation programs they have at the hospitals, since we have to do this anyway!).
I don’t know what the outcome of the surgery will be when I wake up, and I will deal with that when I do. I may or may not be able to lift my arm above my head after surgery. If I cannot, I will grieve that loss (which will primarily affect my ability to dance), and deal with that new reality as it presents itself. If I can, I will celebrate it every time I lift my baby above my head or raise my arms in dance.
I will have pain, but pain is nothing compared to not-being. I will look different, but the sacrifice of superficial appearance pales in comparison to the thought of not being able to help my husband raise our daughter.
We will prevail. We will conquer this. We will destroy any trace of the enemy that remains and emerge victorious on the other side.